If there were some verbal argument capable of resolving internal doubts and insecurities, I’m sure I would’ve found it by now. Given my tendency to constantly overthink – much like a beaver’s tendency to chew or a frog’s tendency to croak – one would expect that through sheer probability I’d have cobbled together the right sequence of thoughts. Sort of an infinite-monkey-keyboard-Shakespeare scenario. Lacking such a verbal elixir, I’m left to conclude that no such solution exists. However, as I continue to live and grow, it seems that each day, I’m presented with an abundance of opportunities to engage with my own insecurities.
At this point in time, I’m coming to find that in the same way each day is full of junctures driving us towards a physically sedentary or physically active lifestyle (with an infinite gradient between), so too are we presented with choices around our own mental formations. And in the same way a physical body is shaped over time by a variety of intrinsic and extrinsic factors, it seems so too is shaped the mind.
And just as choosing the stairs over the elevator encourages bodily training towards a healthier state of body, I wonder what opportunities I might be encountering in my day-to-day life that are shaping the health of my mind.
It is here that I come back to insecurities and comparison. If one were to observe me through the lens of my insecurities, they’d find quite the caricature of a person. A large bobblehead with thick rubbery lips, mounted on a scrawny frame barely containing an over-sized ego that is simultaneously arrogant and self-loathing. This caricature is a windbag who lacks self-awareness, restraint, and is the kind of company people can’t wait to be rid of, so they might be spared of its boring incessant prattle.
Now, to be sure, I know logically this caricature is divorced from reality. I trust the judgment of my loved ones enough to leverage their company as evidence contradicting what my insecurities whisper. But whisper they will. They will hum when a goal or plan falls through, poke and prod when I fail to meet a benchmark, and chuckle when I find unexpected difficulties. Even if everything works out beautifully in an endeavor, they still refuse to fall silent.
What I’d advocate for is not a silencing of insecurities – I don’t find that to be a possibility. Instead, I call for a loud and active refutation of insecurities. While even after refutation, the insecurity will still stand, I believe we have a degree of agency in whether we allow them to pass uncontested. And in the same way running can go from feeling viscerally uncomfortable to pleasurable with training, I feel that the positive affirmations which initially feel unwieldy and saccharine may grow to feel natural with practice, adaptation, and support.
And so, I choose to engage in active refutation of the insecure mental goblin where possible. When the goblin points, laughing, “Look at how strangely square your face is,” I push back with a “Well I have quite lovely eyes.” When the goblin remarks, “You are too weak and scrawny to be a capable man,” I celebrate having a crowd of friends I can rely on to help me where I come up short. When the insecurity sneers, “You are not worthy of affection,” I choose to declare “I choose to love me, and that is enough.” And it’s okay even if I don’t believe the contradiction wholeheartedly at first. Similarly, it’s okay if I cannot lift a heavy weight on my first try. But with practice and support, the strength of our positive self-affirmations can grow. What first starts as a whisper within our hearts can grow to being accepted by our minds, but only if our training is consistent.
It is unlikely that there’ll be a day without insecurities, but the me who bears them will continue to grow stronger in refutation with each passing opportunity.
Art by Grace Wu, MS4
